Genre: Lyric Essay
Today you wake up and feel limited. You are unable to locate the exact reason why you feel limited. Perhaps this sentiment of limitation came from a dream you had while you slept in which you felt limited. No matter the reason, the idea of limitation is in your mind as you are stirring. Limitation is a heavy thing, you think to yourself – like a mattress being carried up a narrow staircase. You imagine yourself carrying a heavy mattress up a narrow staircase. You feel limited.
(Redundancy, doing things over and again, is inescapable. Each day is inevitably similar to the one before it. This is how one lives. One makes decisions, silly ones, superficial even - to buy a shirt, a green shirt. And we feel things have changed. Because one does not buy a new, green shirt every day. The outcome of the action is lasting. Even after the tag is removed, the smell of new seeps from the threads and into the air, the shirt becomes the color we always wear. It's fabric becomes our skin, the texture our lover's fingers recognize at a slightest graze. We forget that the shirt was ever new; that it once marked a begining. And so the challenge is to reconsider, to reexamine – to find a begining, a new way of thinking. For example: one discovers one can be aware of words. One discovers that one’s emotions are not limited to emotions, but to particular words. One can experience one’s day guided by the word. The word can be used as a lens. One can look through the lens of that word for one’s entire day.)
Today you decide to explore the word limited. Still, you must dress yourself. You rise from your bed and walk to your dresser. You open the drawers of your dresser and look at your clothes. In your dresser are the clothes you have always worn. You look at your choice of shirts. You stand over them and stare. You own so few shirts. You feel limited by the options you have given yourself. There are shirts with short sleeves in your dresser. There are also shirts with long sleeves. You do not own shirts that have three-quarter length sleeves. You are limited to either short sleeves or long sleeves. But you must choose a shirt to wear. You choose a shirt with short sleeves because you are limited to either short sleeves or long sleeves and you must choose one.
Now you must choose the color of the shirt. You are limited to the colors you have always worn. You have always worn green shirts and brown shirts. You do not own a red shirt. Still, you must choose what color shirt to wear. You choose a green shirt because even though you are limited, you are still forced to choose a color. You think to yourself: getting dressed is a limiting thing. Limiting things are colors and sleeves.
(The discovery that one can live by the definition of can be frightening. One thinks it might be simpler to buy a new shirt. But shirts have been bought and nothing has changed. A new way of thinking ensures change. One hesitates at employing this way of thinking. However, this way of thinking can be an experiment that stimulates one’s interest in once ordinary things. One navigates situations using the word as a lens through which one looks one’s world.)
You leave your house and you are still feeling limited. Still, you must leave your house to get coffee. There is only one coffee shop in your neighborhood. You feel limited because of the lack of coffee shops in your neighborhood. You stand outside your house and look at the streets. There are only two streets you can take to get to the coffee shop. And to get to the coffee shop you must choose one of these streets. You feel limited by the streets you can take to get to the only coffee shop in your neighborhood. You feel limited because there are only two routes to take to get to the coffee shop. Yes, you can walk out of your way and thusly have a third route. But you are not interested in walking out of your way. If you walk out of your way, you will be late to meet the friend that you made plans to meet after you get your coffee. You are not interested in making yourself late. You are interested in getting coffee. You can only walk down one street or the other street. You choose one street because, though you are limited to these two streets, you must choose one of these streets in order to get to the coffee shop. Walking to the coffee shop is suddenly a limiting thing.
As you walk down the street you consider this notion of limitation. If you had a dictionary you would look up the definition of limitation. You do not have a dictionary. You only have your notebook. You imagine how limitation might be defined: the quality of being limited? No, that’s not right at all. You are frustrated by your inability to define a word that haunts you so deeply.
(As one descends into this way of thinking, there is a blissful moment in which one lets go. One lets go of the way one thought in the past. This new way of thinking is new and one wishes desperately for something new. Redundancy is suddenly escapable. And while this new way of thinking is new and therefore unknown to be a good way of thinking, one rests assured that one is capable of retreating to past ways of thinking. There is a narrative one keeps. The narrative speaks the thoughts of the past. It tells one that one knows what one is doing – that one can retreat from this way of thinking and process things as one once did. But the prospects of a new way of thinking are exciting. One goes on thinking in the voice of the new.)
You get to the coffee shop and you are feeling limited. Still, you must get coffee. You enter the coffee shop and look at the menu. You put your hand in your pocket, the place where you keep your money. You remove the money you keep in your pocket. Today you only have enough money for a small coffee. You cannot afford a large coffee. You feel limited by the options of coffee you can afford. On the menu there are only two variations of small coffee. There is decaf coffee without caffeine. There is regular coffee with caffeine. You can only afford to choose between these two options. You chose regular coffee because there are only two options and you must choose one. You pay for your coffee. Now you must choose a creamer. The creamer that coffee shop offers is free. But they only offer you two kinds of creamer. There is heavy cream and there is light cream. You are limited to heavy or light. You choose light because you are limited these two options and in the past you have always chosen light cream in your coffee. Drinking coffee is a limiting thing when you only have enough money for a small coffee and creamer comes only in heavy or light.
(The word, which is now a lens through which one looks, can be put to everything. This is more than can be done with a shirt. Everything one does becomes in relation to the word. When this notion is conceived, one conceives the secondary notion that the word can be applied not only to the present, but also to the past. One examines the past looking through the word which is now a lens.)
You sit down at a table in the coffee shop and feel limited. Still, you must write. You are a writer. But you feel limited by the words you can write. You open your notebook and read the words you have written in the past. You feel limited by the way you have always written. There are happy words. There are sad words. The happy lines in your notebook are dotted with words like love and epiphanic and consistency. The sad lines contain the word love as well, but the word is paired with words like dispiriting and constraint. You feel limited by these words. It seems you are limited to writing either happy words or sad words. But you must choose something to write. You choose to write sad words because you are limited to sad words or happy words and this idea of limitation is starting to make you sad. You see no other option – you feel limited by this sadness. Words can also be limiting things.
(It becomes a dangerous thing to look at the past through this word which is now a lens. The danger is that the past, the time when one was not examining things in relation to this word, seems meaningless because it was undefined and without the lens that one now finds so important. Again, there is the shirt, the shirt one has always worn. Alarmed by the possibility that one’s past is meaningless – one averts ones view and uses the lens to examine the future. The future is filled with others. And others can be examined through the lens.)
You leave the coffee shop and feel limited. Still, you must meet with your friend. You have made plans to meet your friend. You have not made plans to do anything else. So, you go to meet your friend. There are two things you have always talked about with this friend. You have always talked about writing and art. When you start the conversation you must decide between talking about writing or talking about art. You feel limited by the things you can talk about with your friend. You meet your friend and begin talking. You choose to talk about writing because you are limited to talking about either writing or art. And now that you have begun talking about writing, you realize that there are only so many things about writing you can talk about. You talk about your experience today and how you discovered that words are limiting. You feel limited by this conversation. Talking to your friend is a limiting thing.
(One inevitably becomes tired of the word one has used as a lens through which one has examined one’s world. Sleep becomes a possibility of clearing one’s mind of the word. One can wake up and find a new word, a new way of thinking.)
You end the conversation with your friend and feel limited. Still, you must go home and take a nap. You must take a nap because you are tired. You go home to take a nap. In your house are the two places where you have taken naps in the past. There is the couch where you have napped. There is also the bed where you have napped. You feel limited by the places where you have taken naps. You choose to nap on bed because you are limited to taking a nap on the couch or taking a nap on the bed. You must choose between the two, and so you choose the bed. Taking a nap is a limiting thing. As you fall asleep you ponder the notion of limitation. You rise and find the dictionary that you did not have with you on your way to the coffee shop. You find your place back on the bed and look up the definition before you fall asleep: an imposed restriction that cannot be exceeded or sidestepped.
Today you wake up and feel filled with possibility. You can do anything you want. This feeling is to be filled with possibility. You decide to dress yourself, though it is possible to stay naked in bed where it is comfortable and warm. But, you feel a tremendous sense of possibility in the options of what you might do today.
(One has escaped the word one has used as a lens. But the notion that one can be guided by a word and the emotion attached to that word becomes a notion filled with unlimited possibilities. There are many words. There are many ways of thinking. This notion is paired with the notion that one can decide upon the word one uses as a lens through which one examines one’s world. Because one possesses the capability of choosing the word, one feels in control. One no longer feels limited.)
You open the drawers of your dresser and look at your clothes. In your dresser there are the all the clothes you can possibly wear. You feel a sense possibility in the options you have given yourself. You look at your choice of shirts. There are shirts with short sleeves. There are shirts with long sleeves. It is possible to choose to short sleeves or long sleeves. You choose a shirt with short sleeves because you have the option to wear either short sleeves or long sleeves. These are two very different possible shirts to wear. Now you can choose the color of your shirt. You have the possibility to choose between the colors you have always liked. You have always liked the colors green and brown. You choose a green shirt because you have the option to choose between green and brown. Today you feel like wearing green. You love the color green. But it is possible to wear brown. Getting dressed can be filled with possibility.
You leave your house feeling anything is possible. You decide to get coffee. You leave your house and look at the streets. You feel a tremendous sense of possibility in the routes you can take to the coffee shop. There are two possible routes you can take to get to the coffee shop. You feel a sense of possibility because anything could happen on those two routes to the coffee shop. You can walk down one street or the other street. You choose one street because you are excited by the many possible things that might happen on that street as you walk to the coffee shop. Walking to the coffee shop is filled with possibility. You consider the word possibility: something that is possible. The definition is small and precise and you remember it in full without the need of a dictionary.
You get to the coffee shop and you feel anything is possible. You enter the coffee shop and look at the menu. You decide to get coffee, though it is possible to get tea. You feel possibility in the options of coffee you can drink. On the menu there are two kinds of coffee you can afford. You feel possibility in the options the coffee shop has given you. There is decaf coffee without caffeine. There is regular coffee with caffeine. You chose regular coffee because you possess the ability to choose the kind of coffee you want to drink. When you choose regular coffee you chose the possible end result of being more energetic with the aid of caffeine. Now you can choose a creamer. There is a heavy cream and there is a light cream. It is possible to choose between heavy or light. You choose light because you prefer light cream in your coffee, though it is possible to choose heavy. Drinking coffee is filled with possibility.
It is exciting that one can navigate one’s day, looking at the world through such a positive lens. One has become increasingly able to use this lens to examine one’s world. Gone are the doubts one ever had that this way of living was remotely dangerous or questioning of the past. The past (the time when one chose to examine the world through a word like ‘limitation’) is a marker of the time when one chose the wrong word to examine one’s world. One now sees one’s own capability in choosing a word which is now a lens.
You sit down at a table in the coffee shop and feel anything is possible. You decide to write in your notebook, though it is possible to draw in your notebook. But you are a writer. You feel a tremendous sense of possibility in the words you can write. You open your notebook and look at the words you have written. In your notebook are the words you have written in the past. You see the ways you have written in the past. There are happy words. There are sad words. Today there is the possibility to write different kinds of words. You choose to write sad words because you are excited by the many possible ways to write sad words. Words are filled with possibility.
You leave the coffee shop and feel anything is possible. You decide to meet up with a friend, though it is possible to go to the park. But you feel excited by the things you might talk about with your friend. You meet your friend and begin talking. There are two things you have always enjoyed talking about with this friend. You have always enjoyed talking about writing and art. When you start the conversation you decide to talk about writing. You choose to talk about writing because you have discovered a new way of writing sad words and it is possible your friend will have exciting insight to this new way of writing. Talking to your friend is filled with possibility.
You end the conversation with your friend and feel anything is possible. You decide to go home and take a nap. You go home to take a nap, though it is possible to go somewhere else. In your house are the places where you have taken naps in the past. There is the couch where you have enjoyed napping. There is the bed where you have also enjoyed napping. It is possible to take a nap in these two places. You choose to nap on the bed because it is possible that you might sleep very well on that bed. It is possible you might have a very nice dream should you nap on the bed. Taking a nap is filled with possibility.
Today you wake up and feel indifferent. You suppose you should dress yourself. You understand there are options in what you can wear, but you do not care. You open the drawers of your dresser and look at your clothes. In your dresser there are the all the clothes you can possibly wear. You understand this possibility. You have, after all, allowed yourself these options.
(The descent into this way of thinking has gained momentum. Choosing the word which one makes one’s lens through which one examines one’s world becomes a task which one has little control over. One merely awakes with a word in one’s head and one cannot seem to escape the word, as the word is in one’s head as one was sleeping and one cannot clear the word from one’s head as one awakes. Furthermore, the past narrative, the narrative that reassured one that there was a way of retreating from the way one thinks becomes less clear. One is no longer reassured by the past – the time when one did not choose a word which one made one’s lens, and past narrative, which is neither conscious nor unconscious, begins to sound incredibly more like the present narrative, which is entirely conscious.)
You look at your choice of shirts. There are shirts with short sleeves. There are shirts with long sleeves. You are indifferent on whether you should wear short sleeves or long sleeves. You choose a shirt with short sleeves because you are somehow indifferent about wearing either short sleeves or long sleeves. And now you realize you must choose the color of your shirt. In the past you have liked the colors green and brown. Now you must choose between wearing the color green or the color brown. You cannot wear both shirts. You choose a green shirt because you are indifferent to these two colors, even though they are the ones you have liked in the past. In the past you very much liked wearing green. Today you are indifferent to the color green. So you chose to wear green based on the fact that you have liked it in the past. Getting dressed is something to which you are indifferent.
You leave your house feeling indifferent. You suppose you should get some coffee. You leave your house and look at the streets. There are two possible routes you can take to get to the coffee shop. You are indifferent to the routes you should take to the coffee shop today. You feel indifferent because nothing that exciting could happen on those two routes to the coffee shop. You can walk down one street or the other street. You choose one street because you are indifferent to which route should take to the coffee shop. You just want some coffee. Walking to the coffee shop something to which you are entirely indifferent.
You get to the coffee shop and you are indifferent. You enter the coffee shop and look at the menu. You decide to get coffee, but not because you particularly want it anymore. You are indifferent whether or not you should even drink coffee. On the menu there are two kinds of coffee you can afford. There is decaf coffee without caffeine. There is regular coffee with caffeine. You don’t really care either way. You choose regular coffee because you are relatively indifferent to the kind of coffee you want to drink. Now you can choose a creamer. There is a heavy cream and there is a light cream. You have no stance on whether you should add heavy or light cream to your coffee. You’re not even sure you want coffee. You choose light because in the past you have preferred light cream in your coffee, though today you don’t really care about coffee or what kind of cream is in it. Drinking coffee is something to which you are indifferent.
(The danger in the technique one has adapted in examining one’s world is that one loses one’s ability to remember that one once went about one’s day without using a word through which one examined one’s world. Examining is not what one does with the word one once chose as a lens. Rather, the word one chosen becomes darkened and one can’t see through the word that is now a lens, a very dark lens. The word itself is now one’s world. One’s world becomes a word from which one cannot escape.)
You are feeling a bit indifferent on what to do today and so you sit down at a table in the coffee shop. You look out the window. Outside the coffee shop is the street. You are not interested in what is happening on the street so you decide to write. You are a writer. You consider the things you can write about. You are unsure of what you feel like writing. You open your notebook and look at the words you have written in the past. You read the words you have written in the past. There are happy words. There are sad words. Today you are unmoved to write different kinds of words. You choose to write sad words because you are indifferent to words and writing and you merely write because it distracts you from the fact that you really do not care about anything or the words that can be used to describe it. Words don’t make a difference.
You leave the coffee shop feeling it does not make a difference where you go. You remember though, that you made plans to meet up with your friend. At present you don’t care about meeting up, though apparently at the time you made these plans you were intrigued by the things you might talk about. You meet your friend and your friend begins talking. Your friend is always asking you questions about writing and art. You have always humored your friend by talking about these two things, though you are truly indifferent. When your friend starts a conversation about writing, you are not surprise nor do you care. You talk about writing and how it doesn’t make a difference what anyone writes. Talking to your friend is filled with possibility.
(Finally, one becomes confused by the way one is thinking and since one is not in control of the way which one is thinking, one becomes entirely controlled by the words which one made one’s lens. One’s past lens and one’s present lens which is also one’s narrative – a narrative to which one is both conscious and unconscious, one gives into the words and the words give into their meaning – becoming blurred and interchangeable.)
You end the conversation with your friend and feel the conversation didn’t make a difference. You decide to go home and take a nap. You go home to take a nap, though it is possible to go somewhere else. In your house are the places where you have taken naps in the past. There is the couch where you have been limited to napping. There is the bed where you have also enjoyed napping. It is impossible to take a nap in these two places. You choose to nap on couch because it is indifferent that you might sleep very well on that possible couch. It is possible you might have a very indifferent dream if you nap on the limited couch. Taking a limited nap is filled with indifferent possibility.
(One rests. One awakes. One sees things differently. And that was one's hope with this new way of thinking.)
painting by ariel churnin
